Edge

This weekend my ThinkPad Edge came in all its smooth, thin, black, sleek, quiet, new, amazingness.

It’s definitely a huge update. My old laptop makes continuous fan and buzzing noises, I’ve lost track of the stuff that’s been installed on it, it’s still running vista, it takes like 15 minutes to start up completely, and most of all… the hinge broke… so other than the loud noises, there’s a possibility of me not ever knowing when my laptop is actually on… and if I move the screen a little… it all turns black. It’s quite sad really, even when its on screen saver, my old laptop is louder than this one.

But despite that, I can’t help but feel a little sad. I can’t help but think I can still revive my old laptop and stay with it forever. And its not just because I can’t use my laptop as a tablet anymore or because I can’t turn my screen… it’s just that… well it’s my laptop. I feel connected to it somehow… somehow moving on makes it feel sad and left out.

I miss the post-it notes that were on the cover (even though I didn’t originally want them… they just became a part of the laptop…), my cool firefox on the bottom left corner… my rss feed in the upper right… the finger scanner I never really used except for the fun of it.

I’m just used to my old laptop… where the sound buttons were located… where the power button was located… how I could adjust settings in the dark because I knew exactly where each part of my laptop was. The square size of the screen, the worn out feel of the trackpoint.

I think I have this problem with a lot of things. I’m a person who can’t really seem to let go and move on.

I like to hold on to all my old toys, stuffed animals, notes, cards, and even homework…

It’s like this anytime I own something… even like broken backpacks… I have a problem with throwing things away. I feel like they can always be of use…. or the memories they hold are just to sad to part with even though I know they’ll just sit there and I won’t think about them or use them… ever.

I guess I just don’t really like change, just like I don’t like making decisions. I don’t like it when things are made final… guess it makes me feel trapped or stuck… my mind easily gets filled with the what-ifs.

But once I do move on, things get better (typically). Sometimes holding back can be a stumbling block to ministry and a way for Satan to have a strong hold in my life.

Life changes and I need to get used to it.

Glad some friends came over and liked my laptop. Made me happier about my decision 🙂

Life

School’s started.

Homeworks piling.

Things are being organized.

Responsibilities resurfacing.

Welcome back to normal life.

My wonderful, cute, considerate, loving, extra-special, curious, probing roommate and I were talking the other day and she asked me a really good question. I can’t remember it word for word, but it was somewhere along the lines of… do you feel restless now that you’re not traveling?

This summer (as you can tell by my previous stream of posts) I was away from home the longest I’ve ever been in my entire life! A whopping 4 weeks! It didn’t seem that long since for a large part of it, I was with my family and its really them that make home, home. But regardless, she was right! Maybe that weird lazy droning feeling was a restlessness in my heart. After weeks of adventure, travel, and experiencing new things, I’m back at our apartment, sitting, studying, organizing.

There are quite a few thingst that have actually added up to this fall quarter starting off on a weird crooked foot.

1. It’s our senior year and everyone seems to be pointing that out
2. For the first time, move in was… it didn’t feel like move in. Lots of our stuff was already there… it was just like I took my sheets home to wash for the weekend. So it’s like a continuation of last year except some of my friends are missing and there’s a bunch of new people around… very excited new people. Too bad I don’t feel that same excitement.
3. I guess because it feels like it just keeps going, it feels to weird to be calling people to meet up because I haven’t seen them in a while. I feel like I just saw them last week… I guess the time out of the country made it feel like the time at home just stood still while I went away and now I’m back and the clock has started again.
4. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH…

I guess spending time with my brother makes me want to dream big dreams. He always makes me feel like I can do anything! But then I come back to school and I feel stuck… I feel so limited by programs, deadlines… signing up for the GRE, hearing friends already on track for gradschool, jobs, life seems set. It’s like IB again. There are many paths, but once you choose a path, all the classes are chosen for you. I used to like that. But then I have a hard time choosing a path… so that doesn’t help.

I need to get out of that thinking. There’s so much more time and so much more to life than just what’s in our classrooms and just what’s in set programs.

I’m glad that I get to do a lot of new things with my ministry in AACF. On Thursday I’m going to bake a new kind of cookie. Within the next two weeks I hope to make a loaf of bread.